I'm sorry..

I'm writing this, and I'm not even 100% sure that I'm going to post it. I don't write much anymore because I don't feel safe writing what I want. Everything I say is taken wrong, taken personally or questioned.

I was stupid. I see that now. I gave away the link to people, but this place.. it's my way to express myself. How am I supposed to do that if the people I talk about have the link?

All this to say that I'm getting a new blog. Only a select few will have the link, so don't be offended if I don't give it to you. If you want it, you can email me at dance1011@live.com to let me know.

Thanks everyone.

See you all in the future.

And for the last time,

Peace&Love

Lost

I don't understand people. Things were going amazing with Jason. We got back to talking and it was like when we first met and now... it's back where it ended. He brought up Riley and all this stuff and asked some questions. I guess my answers didn't please him... or maybe it's my own guilt that blew this whole thing up.

But point is I'm mad at him. Who is he to tell me what to do and feel? I don't need him to guilt me, I do enough of that on my own. I feel like a bad person. Like I don't deserve either of them. But I'm just so mad... I'm lost...

Peace&Love

Nevermind

I hate that word. That word bothers me so, so much. Why does everybody use it so frequently? If you start saying something, don't just stop. There is really no point in stopping once you start your statement/story/sentence/whatever.

Finish what you start, or don't bother starting at all...

Peace&Love

Issues

I have a few issues I really want to talk out but I have a problem. These issues? They read my blog. So for all intents and purposes, I won't use their real names.

First, we have Jason. We have some issues together and that sucks, but the rest of the time, it rocks. He's nice and he makes me so happy... But when it's bad... I don't know how to make you understand how awful it can be. He doesn't physically beat me or anything. Just sometimes he'll snap or ...be rude/harsh.

Then we have Riley. Where do I even start? He's so ...amazing. Most of the time. He makes me crazy happy and we always have lots of fun together. I feel like I can talk to him about most things but...is that even enough? I know he wants more. It's so obvious but I don't know if it's something I can give him. And there's a side of him I rarely see, but it's there, and it scares me. A lot.

I care about both of them but... is that even enough? I don't think I LOVE either of them. Not real, true and pure love. I care about them a lot. With Riley I know I care deeply for him but I don't know if it's the "right" kind of caring.

What the hell did I get myself into?

Peace&Love

Oh man...

I feel like I'm just going through the motions. Is that possible? I go to school and do what is expected of me. I don't do anything else... I don't feel like I'm doing what I want to be doing. I HATE school. I don't want to be there... And yet I go.

This stemmed from a darling little "talk" I had with my dads boss today. This man is a very successful business man, he owns his own company and has 3 sons, one of them being my age, who is a complete genius. Today when he asked about my grades I kind of mumbled something about not really knowing. I then had the HONOUR of getting a nice lecture about how I need to have "goals in life" to "get where I want to go". He then told me I need to get 90s if I want to succeed. I'm sorry  I'm not a genius like your son, BUD, but back off. You're not my father.

I feel completely unmotivated in life. How bad is that? I'm supposed to be doing things I like....

Peace&Love

Pacing

Dear best friend
How are you?
Are you doing okay?
I hope so...
I miss you

Why did we let it get this bad?
Why did I leave ?
Why did you say those things?
Why did you hurt me..
Was it all true?

I don't crave anyones attention
I stay in the dark
I let myself get hurt
Because I like the pain
Oh the pain...

It hurts too much to ask
So I won't ...
But please...
Don't forget me
On your road to greatness

Peace&Love

Dusting

Is it really done?
Is it over ?
To think you were my friend
To think I confided in you
All gone...
because of a few little words you took too far.

I'm not going to say I'm surprised
I guess I saw it coming
I knew it was going to happen
Does that mean the words sting any less?
Not even close...
Why I let you hurt me
Surprises even me

To say I loved you would be an exaggeration
but to say I trusted you?
More than I should have apparently.
Why I let you in is a mystery to even myself
but I did
You let me down
But that's my own fault...

Peace&Love

Growing Up

Dear Pk,
You hurt me. You hurt me more than any other person in the world. You know why? Because I trust you the most, I love you the most...you hurt me the most. I care about you and I love you and you let me down. You kick me when I'm down with your harsh words because you think that's what I did. Little did you know that its your "honesty" that's pushing me over the edge... It's funny because you think you're the solution? That you can help? None of the things you've said help. If anything, they make the "depression" worse...

I cried myself to sleep last night because of you. I got home this morning and cried some more. You think I need to grow up? Maybe I do. But I'm 17. I'm a kid. Just like you. Your condescending, hypocritical attitude towards me makes me feel like a child. You think I blame the world for my problems? Not even close. Just last week you told me I take the blame too much when half the time the blame isn't even mine. So which one is it?

The worst part of it all? I know I should leave. I know I should end the friendship. But it'll shatter my heart to a million and one pieces, pieces I'll never be able to put back together. So what am I supposed to do? Part of me wants to throw my arms around your neck and sob and have you just this once comfort me. Another part wants to run the opposite direction, as fast as I can.

Just because you had to grow up fast, doesn't mean you should be forcing me to.

Peace&Love

A GOOD DAY

I JUST WANTED TO ANNOUNCE THAT I RECEIVED MY FIRST 2 TUMBLR INBOXES TODAY!!! One of which asking me where I'd like to visit most. Anyways moving on...

So I went to the mall today ...twice. How cool am I? The first was with a really good friend of mine whom I haven't seen since june....needless to say, IT WAS AWESOME. And the second...

Was with The Guy. He was so cute and sweet... I don't know what to say. I feel like the biggest dork when I'm with him, and I never know what to say... is that weird? :$ I even walked home in the dark just to see him.. I'm terrified of the dark. So I blasted "Sexy and I Know It" and danced my way home. Bad. Ass.

I think I'm falling for him.. :$$$

Peace&Love

Masks..

I hurt you. I can see that. Yes, I was upset, but...you weren't an angel in the situation either, you know? I love you and you know that. However, you do know my background, so I'd hope that by now you know what not to say to me?

I'm sorry I made your day worse, as well as mine. You know almost as well as I so how bitchy I get when I get very little sleep..so that has to account for something? Truth be told...some of the things you said sprung tears to my eyes. Yes, real tears. I don't like it when people see me cry so...I left. I guess my mask isn't as good as I thought it was...

I'm sorry. I love you. Forgive me.

Peace&Love

Scared

If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be where I am. If it wasn't for you, I'd still be in a relationship I was very unhappy in. If it wasn't for you being so nice to me, I wouldn't have seen how I should REALLY be treated by a boy that loves me. I care about you.

So yeah, maybe our moms are psycho and treat us like shit most of the time, but we have each other. I can't let you go to bed tonight thinking you aren't appreciated or...needed. Truth is, I do need you. I'd be lost without you...

I care a lot. Please don't do anything stupid...

Peace&Love

Butterflies

I've been sitting around all day watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Doctor Who, talking to the boy that confuses me more than UGGS and short shorts. I talk to him more than probably any other person in my life. I don't know ..how to deal.

I feel like if I got into a relationship with him now, then I'd just be rebounding him and I DON'T want that. I care about him too much to do that to him. But.. I feel butterflies when I'm around him. Is that weird? It sounds cheesy... I'm not big on cheese, but you know.

We talk about everything, we fight, we're there for each other...I compare him to my ex a lot. I guess what I like is...when we fight, he still talks to me. We try making up. My ex...never did that. We try to make it work, and are fine within 24 hours. I can't believe I'm saying this but...I was constantly upset with my ex because he never let me talk about how I felt. My friend lets me talk. He actually makes me ...because he knows it'll be better after.

And the thought that's been holding me back the most? What if it doesn't work out? I lose my best friend.... 

Peace&Love

A Couple Thoughts...

What if it doesn't work out and our friendship is destroyed?

Also....
why is the metro always so smelly?

Peace&Love

The Letter X

I feel like I was given an ultimatum here, and I don't like it very much. It probably isn't that, but I'm kind of a paranoid loser so. Yeah.

My ex texted me today. Yeah, you heard. 2 days after we broke up and he's already trying to weasel his way into my life. I feel guilty and I don't know what to do... Because MAYBE I still have feelings for the guy, but ..it's not the same....

My friend. The one who shall remain anonymous. He's an amazing friend...and I'm just afraid I'd ruin it. What do I doooo :((((((((((((((

Peace&Love

Just a nerdy girl that does nerdy things... <3

Fire Drills

Ouu 2 posts in 1 day, feeling inspired are we? NO. :) I'm just bored in film class.
I had an epiphany before, during our fire drill. At the time, I wasn't aware it was a drill, but whatever. People always say "college is where you'll find friends for life". No offence college, but I think I like my high school friends better. I haven't met anyone where I really want to just spend time with these people. I mean, sure, we'll talk in class, but thats about it. I mean, yeah I've met some people and if I run into them we'll make retarded faces at each other and say hi but....friends for life? Doubtful.

Feeling le confused...was I lied to? Or do I just have issues when it comes to change?

Peace&Love

Everything Happens For A Reason

Everyone says "things happen for a reason". I, personally, absolutely abhor that saying. When you're having a crap day, and some yahoo comes up to you all "Everything happens for a reason :3", the only thing that you KNOW will happen is his face meeting your foot, am I right?

But lets think about it for a second! Things obviously happen because of some other thing that will lead to something further on, something nobody actually sees. Did that even make sense? Let me give you an example... When I was in grade 8, when my friends and I would go on MSN, we'd have these giant group conversation where you knew maybe 2 people in the 10 people conversation. One of these conversations did a lot for me, but I didn't think so at the time.

One guy, Patrick, ragged on me the entire conversation. Naturally, this upset me. I was very offended by his words and I'm not going to lie, he was a real douche. For some reason though, I added him anyways. Now guess what? He's one of my best friends, somebody I can tell anything to. He's also the reason (by extension) that I met my ex-boyfriend, and I wish he understood why I thanked him for it, especially since things with me and the ex went sour.

If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't know that guys that don't communicate/talk at all upset me. I can't be with a person that has trouble talking, even about simple stuff like "how was class?"

If it wasn't for that jerk I met 4 years ago, I may have made a big mistake later on. Not only that, but its this ex-boyfriend that left me feeling very confused about another good friend. I'm almost 98% sure that if it wasn't for my ex, this friend would have never told me about his feelings for me; and yeah, I did have a crush on him last year, but being a dumb high schooler, I ignored it practically convinced he just thought I was some crazy leadership girl not worth his time. Question is...do I feel the same now that I did then?

What do I do bloggers?

Peace&Love

I'm Sorry..

Sometimes I like to think I'm a good writer. You know, one of those neurotic, crazy moments where I actually admire myself for any kind of reason in particular. And then I see my friends' writing and then I remember "Oh right...."
I never realized how much of an effect I have on people... Until I screw it all up.

Peace&Love

Backstabbed

Hey. Hi. Hello. Good day...
I hate that feeling you get when you feel like you trust someone so much.... You just gave them the power to hurt you the most. But what's worse is when they actually use that power - that special power you gave them - and hurt you.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine sent me a link to his blog. When I received it, I had been on my phone and vowed to check later. Shit went down - yeah, I said shit. Deal with it - and I guess I just forgot about it. I was in my Facebook inbox, sending him something and I saw it. As I've been trying to find ways to distract myself all day, I clicked. No harm there, right? Wrong. His entire blog... It's like one big fat insult to yours truly. I am so HURT by this...this piece of writing... Now, don't get me wrong, he's a brilliant writer. But... ouch.

So of course, how did I chose to respond to this? Obviously, it wasn't in a mature way. I expressed the emotion I was feeling and then started ignoring his texts/BBMs. Real mature, right? I don't know how to deal...

I feel like he just shattered my heart into a million pieces...

Peace&Love

New Beginnings

Wow it's been a while. In all honesty, I didn't miss it as much as I thought I would. I mean, yeah there were times where I went and sat in front of my computer, wanting to make a new post and when it came to actually writing, I came up blank. Its kind of sad I guess.

Anyways. This summer I had a very good summer; I travelled. Not going to lie, I love travelling. Although, I really hate planes. Like, with a passion. They scare me. Weird right? I love travelling, but I absolutely hate flying. Anyways, we spent 3 weeks visiting Europe. I got to see London, Paris, Florence, Venice, Rome and Positano. I must admit, London was my favourite. Which is quite strange, since I'm italian. You would've thought that my favourite would be some place in Italy! Anyways, I loved it so much that I know I will be back. I kind of want to visit the rest of Europe. Ireland would be cool too I think. After 3 weeks of nonstop walking, plane rides and boring train rides, I was more than a little exhausted. 3 days after getting back from Europe, I left for Disney with my dad. We were in Disney for a week, and then we drove down to Daytona beach for a nice week of relaxation by the waves. It was pretty great, and before I knew it, we were back home and I was starting college a couple days later.

I am not going to lie and say I miss high school. I mean, of COURSE I miss it, but not the actual high school portion of it. In the few weeks that I've been here, I've already grown accustomed to the way it works. Leaving when I want, 3 hour classes...its insane. I do miss my friends, my teachers and student council. I plan on going back to visit, even if its just for half an hour. I thought being out of high school would be harder than this, but it really isn't. I've grown used to getting up at 5:30 for ridiculous 8:00am classes.

I guess what I'm trying to say is things change, we grow up, people move on and so do we. We can't live in the past, because there is nothing we can change. The past will stay where it is and there is nothing we can do about it. We all grow up, and we need to move on in order to progress into our lives. Heck, before I know it I'll be in university, a whole new challenge on its own.

Peace&Love

Epiphanies and other things

As you may have noticed, I am back. I'm not sure anybody actually bothered to check every now and then to see if I was back, but I digress.

A lot has happened in my month long absence, but I'm writting because I had an epiphany not too long ago. I have a group of friends that I've known and hung out with basically since grade 7. We always hang out at lunch, we goof off in class together, etc. But I realized, that we don't have DEPTH.

A real frienship means you can tell your friend (or friends) anything and everything. I noticed that in The Group, we don't do that. We sometimes share, but it's mostly seen as gossip, or joked about and the subject is quickly changed. Now, I'm all for the joking, but I kind of expect us to get back on topic after. Something that never happens. I've also noticed that unless I bring it up, nobody asks. They all know what's happening, they are my friends, but they never ask, and when they do ask it's just to be "in the know".

I just so happen to be one of those people that needs to talk, or else I'll go insane. It's not like I just want it, I need it. If I don't talk, I have emotional breakdowns and it's just horrible. But is it weird that I don't feel like I can talk to my friends? My so-called best friends?

I've been realizing, slowly but surely, who my real friends are, and who are just the jerks that don't care. It hasn't been a pleasant ride, but I don't have a choice. I've realized that if I keep sticking with these Not Friends, I'm just hurting myself in the end. I happen to be a self destructive person, but I'm trying to change that, and getting rid of the jerks has been my first step towards that.

Recently, I've reconnected with friends that I have had that depth with and our friendship survived through anything and everything; except that one big thing that split us apart in the first place. Which is where my epiphany came from. We started talking, and it was as if nothing had happened, like the 10 month seperation never happened. Which is when it hit me; that's what true friendship is. No matter what happens, no matter who you grow up to be, you're still there, as if nothing changed.

Peace&Love

A New Beginning..

I took it upon myself to actually read my blog. Every single post from the very beginning, until now. I started this blog January 19th 2010. I seemed kind of like a ditz, and for those of you who actually read it I am terribly sorry for it. I do enjoy my blog though. It has a certain charm to it, you know? There are the ups and the downs, the highs and the lows. The excitement and the rantings. I think I've matured somewhat as a writer to be honest...

All this to say, I am not going to write for a while. I need to sort through some things, and until then, I won't be writing.

Peace&Love bloggers <3

If you love someone, set them free

"If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't come back, it never was yours in the first place."

Have you ever lost a friend? A really good friend? A person whom you've had a ridiculously close relationship with for a long time? It's like half of you is missing, like you aren't complete without that person. That person is gone. He has been since the beginning of January.

I've been keeping myself updated in my close friends life using his blog. Well, EX close friend. He decided that I no longer should be in his life, although I have no idea why. It may have to do with the fact that I didn't approve of the things he did and the decisions he made..but I digress.

I've been reading his blog, and ever since he cut me out of his life, he seems to have been doing better. Maybe I was the one bringing him down? I know that when you cling to a certain past, it can do that.. but I'm not really sure I believe that that's it...

I feel forgotten. This person was once the person I could go to with anything, the person I could trust and not feel judged. Now? I see him in the hallway and either run in the opposite direction OR run past him with my head low. There was once a time where he would have stopped me, when he would have tried to talk to me..Now? He looked through me. As if I was nothing. Maybe I am nothing. To him at least.

Maybe I should be taking the opportunity to find new people, make new friends, cherish the ones I have...instead of missing the ones I no longer have.

Maybe instead of mourning the loss of a friend, I should remember the good times. After all, if you love someone, set them free. Perhaps I should let him be, because if our friendship was meant to be, we'll find each other eventually.
Right?

Peace&Love

The Start Of A New Beginning?

I haven't really posted in a while, but that's senior year for you! Yes, I am graduating this year. Scary thought... In 5 months, I may or may not be a high school graduate. Somebody asked me how that makes me feel and I said "Terrified."

I have been hanging around the same group of friends for 5 years now. We have been through everything together, thick and thin, tough times and easy times. We've all been there for each other. And now? In a mere 5 months that'll all be gone. And why? Because we are all going to different cegeps. One of us is smart enough to make it into a fancy cegep just on scholarship, a couple of us are going into sciences at different cegeps, I'm going into a cinematography/photography/journalism program and another one of us is going to the same cegep as me but going into a completely different program.

So...where does that leave us? Scrounging for our last 5 months together, making them the best we possibly can.  Because you know what? We SAY we're going to keep in touch, heck everybody ALWAYS says that. But life catches up and eventually, you just don't have time for the people from your old life and the people in your new life. It's a scary thought though. What am I going to do without them? Sure, I'll meet new people, make new friends. But right now? It's scary. Real scary. Of course, everytime I share this thought with them, they either give me that Look, the one that says "Oh dear, poor girl is losing her mind." or I just get brushed off. Maybe they haven't realized it yet, but I have, and damn is that thought scary.

Peace&Love