Pacing

Dear best friend
How are you?
Are you doing okay?
I hope so...
I miss you

Why did we let it get this bad?
Why did I leave ?
Why did you say those things?
Why did you hurt me..
Was it all true?

I don't crave anyones attention
I stay in the dark
I let myself get hurt
Because I like the pain
Oh the pain...

It hurts too much to ask
So I won't ...
But please...
Don't forget me
On your road to greatness

Peace&Love

Dusting

Is it really done?
Is it over ?
To think you were my friend
To think I confided in you
All gone...
because of a few little words you took too far.

I'm not going to say I'm surprised
I guess I saw it coming
I knew it was going to happen
Does that mean the words sting any less?
Not even close...
Why I let you hurt me
Surprises even me

To say I loved you would be an exaggeration
but to say I trusted you?
More than I should have apparently.
Why I let you in is a mystery to even myself
but I did
You let me down
But that's my own fault...

Peace&Love

Growing Up

Dear Pk,
You hurt me. You hurt me more than any other person in the world. You know why? Because I trust you the most, I love you the most...you hurt me the most. I care about you and I love you and you let me down. You kick me when I'm down with your harsh words because you think that's what I did. Little did you know that its your "honesty" that's pushing me over the edge... It's funny because you think you're the solution? That you can help? None of the things you've said help. If anything, they make the "depression" worse...

I cried myself to sleep last night because of you. I got home this morning and cried some more. You think I need to grow up? Maybe I do. But I'm 17. I'm a kid. Just like you. Your condescending, hypocritical attitude towards me makes me feel like a child. You think I blame the world for my problems? Not even close. Just last week you told me I take the blame too much when half the time the blame isn't even mine. So which one is it?

The worst part of it all? I know I should leave. I know I should end the friendship. But it'll shatter my heart to a million and one pieces, pieces I'll never be able to put back together. So what am I supposed to do? Part of me wants to throw my arms around your neck and sob and have you just this once comfort me. Another part wants to run the opposite direction, as fast as I can.

Just because you had to grow up fast, doesn't mean you should be forcing me to.

Peace&Love

A GOOD DAY

I JUST WANTED TO ANNOUNCE THAT I RECEIVED MY FIRST 2 TUMBLR INBOXES TODAY!!! One of which asking me where I'd like to visit most. Anyways moving on...

So I went to the mall today ...twice. How cool am I? The first was with a really good friend of mine whom I haven't seen since june....needless to say, IT WAS AWESOME. And the second...

Was with The Guy. He was so cute and sweet... I don't know what to say. I feel like the biggest dork when I'm with him, and I never know what to say... is that weird? :$ I even walked home in the dark just to see him.. I'm terrified of the dark. So I blasted "Sexy and I Know It" and danced my way home. Bad. Ass.

I think I'm falling for him.. :$$$

Peace&Love

Masks..

I hurt you. I can see that. Yes, I was upset, but...you weren't an angel in the situation either, you know? I love you and you know that. However, you do know my background, so I'd hope that by now you know what not to say to me?

I'm sorry I made your day worse, as well as mine. You know almost as well as I so how bitchy I get when I get very little sleep..so that has to account for something? Truth be told...some of the things you said sprung tears to my eyes. Yes, real tears. I don't like it when people see me cry so...I left. I guess my mask isn't as good as I thought it was...

I'm sorry. I love you. Forgive me.

Peace&Love

Scared

If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be where I am. If it wasn't for you, I'd still be in a relationship I was very unhappy in. If it wasn't for you being so nice to me, I wouldn't have seen how I should REALLY be treated by a boy that loves me. I care about you.

So yeah, maybe our moms are psycho and treat us like shit most of the time, but we have each other. I can't let you go to bed tonight thinking you aren't appreciated or...needed. Truth is, I do need you. I'd be lost without you...

I care a lot. Please don't do anything stupid...

Peace&Love

Butterflies

I've been sitting around all day watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Doctor Who, talking to the boy that confuses me more than UGGS and short shorts. I talk to him more than probably any other person in my life. I don't know ..how to deal.

I feel like if I got into a relationship with him now, then I'd just be rebounding him and I DON'T want that. I care about him too much to do that to him. But.. I feel butterflies when I'm around him. Is that weird? It sounds cheesy... I'm not big on cheese, but you know.

We talk about everything, we fight, we're there for each other...I compare him to my ex a lot. I guess what I like is...when we fight, he still talks to me. We try making up. My ex...never did that. We try to make it work, and are fine within 24 hours. I can't believe I'm saying this but...I was constantly upset with my ex because he never let me talk about how I felt. My friend lets me talk. He actually makes me ...because he knows it'll be better after.

And the thought that's been holding me back the most? What if it doesn't work out? I lose my best friend.... 

Peace&Love

A Couple Thoughts...

What if it doesn't work out and our friendship is destroyed?

Also....
why is the metro always so smelly?

Peace&Love

The Letter X

I feel like I was given an ultimatum here, and I don't like it very much. It probably isn't that, but I'm kind of a paranoid loser so. Yeah.

My ex texted me today. Yeah, you heard. 2 days after we broke up and he's already trying to weasel his way into my life. I feel guilty and I don't know what to do... Because MAYBE I still have feelings for the guy, but ..it's not the same....

My friend. The one who shall remain anonymous. He's an amazing friend...and I'm just afraid I'd ruin it. What do I doooo :((((((((((((((

Peace&Love

Just a nerdy girl that does nerdy things... <3

Fire Drills

Ouu 2 posts in 1 day, feeling inspired are we? NO. :) I'm just bored in film class.
I had an epiphany before, during our fire drill. At the time, I wasn't aware it was a drill, but whatever. People always say "college is where you'll find friends for life". No offence college, but I think I like my high school friends better. I haven't met anyone where I really want to just spend time with these people. I mean, sure, we'll talk in class, but thats about it. I mean, yeah I've met some people and if I run into them we'll make retarded faces at each other and say hi but....friends for life? Doubtful.

Feeling le confused...was I lied to? Or do I just have issues when it comes to change?

Peace&Love

Everything Happens For A Reason

Everyone says "things happen for a reason". I, personally, absolutely abhor that saying. When you're having a crap day, and some yahoo comes up to you all "Everything happens for a reason :3", the only thing that you KNOW will happen is his face meeting your foot, am I right?

But lets think about it for a second! Things obviously happen because of some other thing that will lead to something further on, something nobody actually sees. Did that even make sense? Let me give you an example... When I was in grade 8, when my friends and I would go on MSN, we'd have these giant group conversation where you knew maybe 2 people in the 10 people conversation. One of these conversations did a lot for me, but I didn't think so at the time.

One guy, Patrick, ragged on me the entire conversation. Naturally, this upset me. I was very offended by his words and I'm not going to lie, he was a real douche. For some reason though, I added him anyways. Now guess what? He's one of my best friends, somebody I can tell anything to. He's also the reason (by extension) that I met my ex-boyfriend, and I wish he understood why I thanked him for it, especially since things with me and the ex went sour.

If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't know that guys that don't communicate/talk at all upset me. I can't be with a person that has trouble talking, even about simple stuff like "how was class?"

If it wasn't for that jerk I met 4 years ago, I may have made a big mistake later on. Not only that, but its this ex-boyfriend that left me feeling very confused about another good friend. I'm almost 98% sure that if it wasn't for my ex, this friend would have never told me about his feelings for me; and yeah, I did have a crush on him last year, but being a dumb high schooler, I ignored it practically convinced he just thought I was some crazy leadership girl not worth his time. Question is...do I feel the same now that I did then?

What do I do bloggers?

Peace&Love

I'm Sorry..

Sometimes I like to think I'm a good writer. You know, one of those neurotic, crazy moments where I actually admire myself for any kind of reason in particular. And then I see my friends' writing and then I remember "Oh right...."
I never realized how much of an effect I have on people... Until I screw it all up.

Peace&Love

Backstabbed

Hey. Hi. Hello. Good day...
I hate that feeling you get when you feel like you trust someone so much.... You just gave them the power to hurt you the most. But what's worse is when they actually use that power - that special power you gave them - and hurt you.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine sent me a link to his blog. When I received it, I had been on my phone and vowed to check later. Shit went down - yeah, I said shit. Deal with it - and I guess I just forgot about it. I was in my Facebook inbox, sending him something and I saw it. As I've been trying to find ways to distract myself all day, I clicked. No harm there, right? Wrong. His entire blog... It's like one big fat insult to yours truly. I am so HURT by this...this piece of writing... Now, don't get me wrong, he's a brilliant writer. But... ouch.

So of course, how did I chose to respond to this? Obviously, it wasn't in a mature way. I expressed the emotion I was feeling and then started ignoring his texts/BBMs. Real mature, right? I don't know how to deal...

I feel like he just shattered my heart into a million pieces...

Peace&Love