Lost

I don't understand people. Things were going amazing with Jason. We got back to talking and it was like when we first met and now... it's back where it ended. He brought up Riley and all this stuff and asked some questions. I guess my answers didn't please him... or maybe it's my own guilt that blew this whole thing up.

But point is I'm mad at him. Who is he to tell me what to do and feel? I don't need him to guilt me, I do enough of that on my own. I feel like a bad person. Like I don't deserve either of them. But I'm just so mad... I'm lost...

Peace&Love

Nevermind

I hate that word. That word bothers me so, so much. Why does everybody use it so frequently? If you start saying something, don't just stop. There is really no point in stopping once you start your statement/story/sentence/whatever.

Finish what you start, or don't bother starting at all...

Peace&Love

Issues

I have a few issues I really want to talk out but I have a problem. These issues? They read my blog. So for all intents and purposes, I won't use their real names.

First, we have Jason. We have some issues together and that sucks, but the rest of the time, it rocks. He's nice and he makes me so happy... But when it's bad... I don't know how to make you understand how awful it can be. He doesn't physically beat me or anything. Just sometimes he'll snap or ...be rude/harsh.

Then we have Riley. Where do I even start? He's so ...amazing. Most of the time. He makes me crazy happy and we always have lots of fun together. I feel like I can talk to him about most things but...is that even enough? I know he wants more. It's so obvious but I don't know if it's something I can give him. And there's a side of him I rarely see, but it's there, and it scares me. A lot.

I care about both of them but... is that even enough? I don't think I LOVE either of them. Not real, true and pure love. I care about them a lot. With Riley I know I care deeply for him but I don't know if it's the "right" kind of caring.

What the hell did I get myself into?

Peace&Love

Oh man...

I feel like I'm just going through the motions. Is that possible? I go to school and do what is expected of me. I don't do anything else... I don't feel like I'm doing what I want to be doing. I HATE school. I don't want to be there... And yet I go.

This stemmed from a darling little "talk" I had with my dads boss today. This man is a very successful business man, he owns his own company and has 3 sons, one of them being my age, who is a complete genius. Today when he asked about my grades I kind of mumbled something about not really knowing. I then had the HONOUR of getting a nice lecture about how I need to have "goals in life" to "get where I want to go". He then told me I need to get 90s if I want to succeed. I'm sorry  I'm not a genius like your son, BUD, but back off. You're not my father.

I feel completely unmotivated in life. How bad is that? I'm supposed to be doing things I like....

Peace&Love

Pacing

Dear best friend
How are you?
Are you doing okay?
I hope so...
I miss you

Why did we let it get this bad?
Why did I leave ?
Why did you say those things?
Why did you hurt me..
Was it all true?

I don't crave anyones attention
I stay in the dark
I let myself get hurt
Because I like the pain
Oh the pain...

It hurts too much to ask
So I won't ...
But please...
Don't forget me
On your road to greatness

Peace&Love

Dusting

Is it really done?
Is it over ?
To think you were my friend
To think I confided in you
All gone...
because of a few little words you took too far.

I'm not going to say I'm surprised
I guess I saw it coming
I knew it was going to happen
Does that mean the words sting any less?
Not even close...
Why I let you hurt me
Surprises even me

To say I loved you would be an exaggeration
but to say I trusted you?
More than I should have apparently.
Why I let you in is a mystery to even myself
but I did
You let me down
But that's my own fault...

Peace&Love

Growing Up

Dear Pk,
You hurt me. You hurt me more than any other person in the world. You know why? Because I trust you the most, I love you the most...you hurt me the most. I care about you and I love you and you let me down. You kick me when I'm down with your harsh words because you think that's what I did. Little did you know that its your "honesty" that's pushing me over the edge... It's funny because you think you're the solution? That you can help? None of the things you've said help. If anything, they make the "depression" worse...

I cried myself to sleep last night because of you. I got home this morning and cried some more. You think I need to grow up? Maybe I do. But I'm 17. I'm a kid. Just like you. Your condescending, hypocritical attitude towards me makes me feel like a child. You think I blame the world for my problems? Not even close. Just last week you told me I take the blame too much when half the time the blame isn't even mine. So which one is it?

The worst part of it all? I know I should leave. I know I should end the friendship. But it'll shatter my heart to a million and one pieces, pieces I'll never be able to put back together. So what am I supposed to do? Part of me wants to throw my arms around your neck and sob and have you just this once comfort me. Another part wants to run the opposite direction, as fast as I can.

Just because you had to grow up fast, doesn't mean you should be forcing me to.

Peace&Love