The Letter X

I feel like I was given an ultimatum here, and I don't like it very much. It probably isn't that, but I'm kind of a paranoid loser so. Yeah.

My ex texted me today. Yeah, you heard. 2 days after we broke up and he's already trying to weasel his way into my life. I feel guilty and I don't know what to do... Because MAYBE I still have feelings for the guy, but ..it's not the same....

My friend. The one who shall remain anonymous. He's an amazing friend...and I'm just afraid I'd ruin it. What do I doooo :((((((((((((((

Peace&Love

Just a nerdy girl that does nerdy things... <3

Fire Drills

Ouu 2 posts in 1 day, feeling inspired are we? NO. :) I'm just bored in film class.
I had an epiphany before, during our fire drill. At the time, I wasn't aware it was a drill, but whatever. People always say "college is where you'll find friends for life". No offence college, but I think I like my high school friends better. I haven't met anyone where I really want to just spend time with these people. I mean, sure, we'll talk in class, but thats about it. I mean, yeah I've met some people and if I run into them we'll make retarded faces at each other and say hi but....friends for life? Doubtful.

Feeling le confused...was I lied to? Or do I just have issues when it comes to change?

Peace&Love

Everything Happens For A Reason

Everyone says "things happen for a reason". I, personally, absolutely abhor that saying. When you're having a crap day, and some yahoo comes up to you all "Everything happens for a reason :3", the only thing that you KNOW will happen is his face meeting your foot, am I right?

But lets think about it for a second! Things obviously happen because of some other thing that will lead to something further on, something nobody actually sees. Did that even make sense? Let me give you an example... When I was in grade 8, when my friends and I would go on MSN, we'd have these giant group conversation where you knew maybe 2 people in the 10 people conversation. One of these conversations did a lot for me, but I didn't think so at the time.

One guy, Patrick, ragged on me the entire conversation. Naturally, this upset me. I was very offended by his words and I'm not going to lie, he was a real douche. For some reason though, I added him anyways. Now guess what? He's one of my best friends, somebody I can tell anything to. He's also the reason (by extension) that I met my ex-boyfriend, and I wish he understood why I thanked him for it, especially since things with me and the ex went sour.

If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't know that guys that don't communicate/talk at all upset me. I can't be with a person that has trouble talking, even about simple stuff like "how was class?"

If it wasn't for that jerk I met 4 years ago, I may have made a big mistake later on. Not only that, but its this ex-boyfriend that left me feeling very confused about another good friend. I'm almost 98% sure that if it wasn't for my ex, this friend would have never told me about his feelings for me; and yeah, I did have a crush on him last year, but being a dumb high schooler, I ignored it practically convinced he just thought I was some crazy leadership girl not worth his time. Question is...do I feel the same now that I did then?

What do I do bloggers?

Peace&Love

I'm Sorry..

Sometimes I like to think I'm a good writer. You know, one of those neurotic, crazy moments where I actually admire myself for any kind of reason in particular. And then I see my friends' writing and then I remember "Oh right...."
I never realized how much of an effect I have on people... Until I screw it all up.

Peace&Love

Backstabbed

Hey. Hi. Hello. Good day...
I hate that feeling you get when you feel like you trust someone so much.... You just gave them the power to hurt you the most. But what's worse is when they actually use that power - that special power you gave them - and hurt you.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine sent me a link to his blog. When I received it, I had been on my phone and vowed to check later. Shit went down - yeah, I said shit. Deal with it - and I guess I just forgot about it. I was in my Facebook inbox, sending him something and I saw it. As I've been trying to find ways to distract myself all day, I clicked. No harm there, right? Wrong. His entire blog... It's like one big fat insult to yours truly. I am so HURT by this...this piece of writing... Now, don't get me wrong, he's a brilliant writer. But... ouch.

So of course, how did I chose to respond to this? Obviously, it wasn't in a mature way. I expressed the emotion I was feeling and then started ignoring his texts/BBMs. Real mature, right? I don't know how to deal...

I feel like he just shattered my heart into a million pieces...

Peace&Love

New Beginnings

Wow it's been a while. In all honesty, I didn't miss it as much as I thought I would. I mean, yeah there were times where I went and sat in front of my computer, wanting to make a new post and when it came to actually writing, I came up blank. Its kind of sad I guess.

Anyways. This summer I had a very good summer; I travelled. Not going to lie, I love travelling. Although, I really hate planes. Like, with a passion. They scare me. Weird right? I love travelling, but I absolutely hate flying. Anyways, we spent 3 weeks visiting Europe. I got to see London, Paris, Florence, Venice, Rome and Positano. I must admit, London was my favourite. Which is quite strange, since I'm italian. You would've thought that my favourite would be some place in Italy! Anyways, I loved it so much that I know I will be back. I kind of want to visit the rest of Europe. Ireland would be cool too I think. After 3 weeks of nonstop walking, plane rides and boring train rides, I was more than a little exhausted. 3 days after getting back from Europe, I left for Disney with my dad. We were in Disney for a week, and then we drove down to Daytona beach for a nice week of relaxation by the waves. It was pretty great, and before I knew it, we were back home and I was starting college a couple days later.

I am not going to lie and say I miss high school. I mean, of COURSE I miss it, but not the actual high school portion of it. In the few weeks that I've been here, I've already grown accustomed to the way it works. Leaving when I want, 3 hour classes...its insane. I do miss my friends, my teachers and student council. I plan on going back to visit, even if its just for half an hour. I thought being out of high school would be harder than this, but it really isn't. I've grown used to getting up at 5:30 for ridiculous 8:00am classes.

I guess what I'm trying to say is things change, we grow up, people move on and so do we. We can't live in the past, because there is nothing we can change. The past will stay where it is and there is nothing we can do about it. We all grow up, and we need to move on in order to progress into our lives. Heck, before I know it I'll be in university, a whole new challenge on its own.

Peace&Love

Epiphanies and other things

As you may have noticed, I am back. I'm not sure anybody actually bothered to check every now and then to see if I was back, but I digress.

A lot has happened in my month long absence, but I'm writting because I had an epiphany not too long ago. I have a group of friends that I've known and hung out with basically since grade 7. We always hang out at lunch, we goof off in class together, etc. But I realized, that we don't have DEPTH.

A real frienship means you can tell your friend (or friends) anything and everything. I noticed that in The Group, we don't do that. We sometimes share, but it's mostly seen as gossip, or joked about and the subject is quickly changed. Now, I'm all for the joking, but I kind of expect us to get back on topic after. Something that never happens. I've also noticed that unless I bring it up, nobody asks. They all know what's happening, they are my friends, but they never ask, and when they do ask it's just to be "in the know".

I just so happen to be one of those people that needs to talk, or else I'll go insane. It's not like I just want it, I need it. If I don't talk, I have emotional breakdowns and it's just horrible. But is it weird that I don't feel like I can talk to my friends? My so-called best friends?

I've been realizing, slowly but surely, who my real friends are, and who are just the jerks that don't care. It hasn't been a pleasant ride, but I don't have a choice. I've realized that if I keep sticking with these Not Friends, I'm just hurting myself in the end. I happen to be a self destructive person, but I'm trying to change that, and getting rid of the jerks has been my first step towards that.

Recently, I've reconnected with friends that I have had that depth with and our friendship survived through anything and everything; except that one big thing that split us apart in the first place. Which is where my epiphany came from. We started talking, and it was as if nothing had happened, like the 10 month seperation never happened. Which is when it hit me; that's what true friendship is. No matter what happens, no matter who you grow up to be, you're still there, as if nothing changed.

Peace&Love