Lost

I don't understand people. Things were going amazing with Jason. We got back to talking and it was like when we first met and now... it's back where it ended. He brought up Riley and all this stuff and asked some questions. I guess my answers didn't please him... or maybe it's my own guilt that blew this whole thing up.

But point is I'm mad at him. Who is he to tell me what to do and feel? I don't need him to guilt me, I do enough of that on my own. I feel like a bad person. Like I don't deserve either of them. But I'm just so mad... I'm lost...

Peace&Love

Nevermind

I hate that word. That word bothers me so, so much. Why does everybody use it so frequently? If you start saying something, don't just stop. There is really no point in stopping once you start your statement/story/sentence/whatever.

Finish what you start, or don't bother starting at all...

Peace&Love

Issues

I have a few issues I really want to talk out but I have a problem. These issues? They read my blog. So for all intents and purposes, I won't use their real names.

First, we have Jason. We have some issues together and that sucks, but the rest of the time, it rocks. He's nice and he makes me so happy... But when it's bad... I don't know how to make you understand how awful it can be. He doesn't physically beat me or anything. Just sometimes he'll snap or ...be rude/harsh.

Then we have Riley. Where do I even start? He's so ...amazing. Most of the time. He makes me crazy happy and we always have lots of fun together. I feel like I can talk to him about most things but...is that even enough? I know he wants more. It's so obvious but I don't know if it's something I can give him. And there's a side of him I rarely see, but it's there, and it scares me. A lot.

I care about both of them but... is that even enough? I don't think I LOVE either of them. Not real, true and pure love. I care about them a lot. With Riley I know I care deeply for him but I don't know if it's the "right" kind of caring.

What the hell did I get myself into?

Peace&Love

Oh man...

I feel like I'm just going through the motions. Is that possible? I go to school and do what is expected of me. I don't do anything else... I don't feel like I'm doing what I want to be doing. I HATE school. I don't want to be there... And yet I go.

This stemmed from a darling little "talk" I had with my dads boss today. This man is a very successful business man, he owns his own company and has 3 sons, one of them being my age, who is a complete genius. Today when he asked about my grades I kind of mumbled something about not really knowing. I then had the HONOUR of getting a nice lecture about how I need to have "goals in life" to "get where I want to go". He then told me I need to get 90s if I want to succeed. I'm sorry  I'm not a genius like your son, BUD, but back off. You're not my father.

I feel completely unmotivated in life. How bad is that? I'm supposed to be doing things I like....

Peace&Love